suami ku ada kekasih gelap seorang lelaki !

jijan

eloklah walkout from lelaki cenggini.    sok2 awk plak yg dpt penyakit.  dia dpt penyakit tu xpe gak dah mmg dia buat.

yg ko xpasal2 cari penyakit lagi merana seumur hidup sape suruh.....

aku dulu ada kawan camni, bercinta sakan kawennye sethn rupenye main 2-2 bisexual la.....skang dah cerai and dah remarry pon ngan jantan asli .....


sayangi diri anda dulu sebelum menyayangi org lain......

DecK

Originally posted by Lily_Savage at 11-12-2007 03:22 PM
aku sampai skrg masih tak paham..amende lah yg bestnya lelaki main ngan lelaki?
tak terjangkau dek akal rasanya

lily , ni ko sendiri kena tanya laki dia   .. atau pun sesapa laki kat sini yg mengaku gay blh la menjawap soalan pn lily tu .. hehehe .. bagi aku , laki ni patut ko "liwat" kan jer dgn batang pokok mangga .. biar "bergetah" sket

alaa

is this for real? ya Allah, ape nak jadik ngn laki awak tu?.. so ape keputusan skg?.. awak tinggalkan die?

cherub

cT,
hugs to you.
my sympathies. can you do a few things?
1) ask him to move out of the house.
2) get a trusted friend to come over and stay with you.
3) or take leave while he clears his things from the house.
4) pamper yourself jap kat spa.
5) get a real divorce lawyer-mungkin you need civil lawyer-mungkin you need to be divorced in civil court. syariah ni mmg afdal, tapi kengkadang, in this instance, we need to cut to the chase. kang dinasihat suh berubah etc...bisexual takkan berubah. wasting your time and tears jer. hiv test etc mesti buat.
6) divorce lawyer shud get you a good deal. your hubby shud agree. i think both tanak cerita ni keluar, so he pays you and gives you an uncontested divorce in return.
7) you need to get on with life. this guy is not worth it sweetheart.   

my fren, hubby dia tanak divorce. siap cakap bini dia imagine bukan2/mereng depan kadhi. syariah court lak berat pada men. last2 hubby dia kawen second wife untuk tutup his bi-sexuality/gayness. sampai skang dia tatau apa nak cakap kat their son bila dewasa nanti.

cherub

Two wives talk about the grief of ending a marriage

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marilyn writes:
I joined the SSML list some 4-5 years ago I guess, after Tony, my husband of 20 years, told me he'd secretly been having sexual relations with men for many years. I'd long known about the same-sex attraction, but didn't then realize the implications it had for him. He'd come from a strictly religious home where such things were unthinkable, and originally he'd felt (and so had I) that it could never be acted on. As his distance from his family and religious background increased, his fears around his sexuality diminished, and it became inevitable that he started acting it out.

We struggled ever since to come up with a new way of looking at things that could honor his sexuality and still work for me. We were uncovering all sorts of other things in ourselves and the way we related that were 'stuck'. We were doing our very best, talking it over constantly, trying to keep everything clear and honest, seeing counselors etc. But in the end it was too awful to live with.

I had a second bout of breast cancer at that time, and while I was undergoing treatment Tony was very tied up with a new boyfriend, and it was all too much. We separated in August last year, as soon as my chemotherapy and radiotherapy ended. Tony moved into an apartment and insisted on seeing me only once a week, got very angry and felt hounded if I called more often than that. I felt desperate, unable to cope, terrified of being alone and absolutely shocked at the sudden cutting-off of contact and conversation. I had our 12-year-old daughter Sarah with me and stayed in the family home. She was furious with Tony, would scarcely speak to him for 6 months. She's a sensitive, anxious girl, and felt betrayed and abandoned by him (even though he was most anxious to have her come and stay over - he's always been a loving, involved father).

We kept in contact as best we could, sharing care of our daughter and trying to keep things on reasonable terms. I longed for him to come home, but at the same time realized that as things were shaping up that wasn't even on the horizon. The separation was in effect life-giving to him. It allowed him the space and freedom he needed to start dealing effectively with his own issues, finding out what he wanted in life, exploring life as a gay man - and perhaps above all getting away from a marriage he'd come to see as keeping him 'stuck' and powerless. I found it devastating, but also knew that in many ways separation was beneficial to me too - I needed (but didn't want) to face my own emotional dependence on him, develop my own boundaries and sense of self. We sold the house, intending for both to stay in the city and buy houses near each other to share care of Sarah, our daughter. But at Christmas, staying with my family, a couple hours' flight away, I realized I needed to be back in my home town and with my family and old friends around, that staying in the city I'd always be miserably waiting for Tony and unable to detach myself enough to get on with my own life. So I've done that, and I'm much happier and better supported here. Sarah was appalled at first but has made good friends and settled into school well.

Tony comes down here occasionally, and we talk at length by phone once a week or so. It's not nearly as much as I'd like, but I can see it having some benefits in detaching from each other and forming new lives. We're both still hopeful of building something new, a strong and valuable friendship that isn't threatened by either of us having new partners. I'm still intensely resentful and jealous about the huge role of the boyfriend in his life, the role I longed for and worked for over half my life - but can't do anything about it and definitely have to learn to cooperate with it and lighten up. He of course doesn't care at all if I meet someone, but I feel totally uninterested in the idea for now. He's really sick of talking about it by now, it's all a dead duck to him and he remembers and cares remarkably little about our time together. I think there's still a lot of denial and rewriting history going on there, but whatever. My grief processes, like so many of our respective processes, tend to work in the opposite way. I need to talk and rehash it over and over, and I guess we just have to respect how each other deals with things. I often think if he hadn't been gay there'd still be a lot of issues and imbalances in our relationship to be uncovered at this point, but the difference would be that we'd have dealt with them together and moved on together if it weren't for the sexuality thing. Sad, but there it is.

Looking forward to hearing an update from other old SSML-ers.

Marilyn

cherub

Sharon answers:

Dear Marilyn,

Thanks for your story, it really touched me. I hope that you are well. I was married 22 years and discovered my very kind and loving husband was having secret sex with men for four years. We have taken a year apart to sort through things (a luxury since our kids are away at school). We'll not see each other for 6 weeks (by design), but then we always feel pulled back together. (Like a rubber band!) If you feel comfortable sharing, I am curious how your relationship flowed during the 4-5 years before separation.

Did Tony gradually evolve into a gay man who wanted a full gay life? I have spoken to a number of wives in long post-disclosure marriage/relationships. I define 4 years as long term! A significant number have had their husbands' self labeling go from bi-sexual, determined to stay married, to gay wanting a primary relationship with another man over the course of years.

Bottom line, how did it happen in your relationship? If this is too personal, please don't respond. I am harboring a theory that my husband may be clutching at our relationship to help him as he makes that linear progression to living fully as gay. It may be too traumatic for him to face alone. Once he meets someone, that could change. Again, thanks for your courageous story. I, too, have contemplating moving back to my home (Arkansas) to make a real break.

Sharon

Marilyn writes back to Sharon:

You wrote: 揑f you feel comfortable sharing, I am curious how your relationship flowed during the 4-5 years before separation. Did Tony gradually evolve into a gay man who wanted a full gay life?

cherub

Sharon responds:

Dear Marilyn

Thanks so much for your reply. Hearing the life experiences of others is always helpful to me. I hope you are well and happy. I am just coming up on my anniversary of disclosure and feel that some positive things are happening. While my bi-gay h and I live apart, we are still in contact and have stayed positive. We have just finished our property settlement/separation agreement, but are planning a vacation together for 2 weeks in September. So, it's sort of a push-pull thing with us. More autonomy, but some togetherness. I know that when either of us meet someone "special" things will dramatically change. I keep a bit of a wall around my heart to prepare for this. I miss the old closeness I used to feel for him, but this is as good as it gets for me right now.

Sharon

Marilyn answers:

You said 揑 hope you are well and happy.

Lipton

Tu ler pasal...erk ...current issue sat...Dr. SMS tu pun musykil gak aku neh..cite nak tunang tu cover gak ke...mintak2 le idak kan..mintak2 dia tulen gitew...

cherub

wa tatau dr sms nyer orientation, cuma haku allegik giler la dia tu.

Lipton

Handsome ape..! he he he

annaKarenina

Originally posted by cTcTuCnaCni at 11-12-2007 12:16 PM
terima kasih anna.

saya dah buat keputusan di hadapan suami bahawa dia perlu meninggalkan saya kalau dia tak boleh nak lupakan kekasih dia.

nak lupakan kekasih gelap.. mungkin susah sikit sbb.. memory susah nak padam.. tapi i'm sure hubby you boleh taubat dan berubah.. kalau dia betul2 ikhlas sayangkan you.. dia boleh choose to change.. tapi macam cherub cakap.. make sure you check HIV status.. (6 bulan sekali)..!.cT BOLEH !

aiva

ikut kata akal..
fikir jangka masa panjang.. hati-hati dengan lelaki homo.. kekadang dengan anak lelaki pun dia boleh 'makan', sekiranya u dah tahu suami u tuh 'suka lelaki' pastikan keselamatan anak lelaki u, mungkin suami u mencintai seorang lelaki sahaja tetapi manusia ni bila dah sekali tersuka, ianya akan mengulanginya lelebih lagi seks diluar tabii macam ni..

bukan nak takutkan u, tapi ada cerita seorang budak remaja lelaki ni bermasalah  berpunca setelah 'diliwat' oleh bapa dia, dan dia menjadi musuh kepada ibunya kerana semasa dia diliwat oleh bapa dia, dia terbau masakan ibunya di dapur.. Budak tersebut menjadi budak paling bermasalah.. dan akhirnya dapat diselesaikan oleh seorang pakar, dan pakar tersebut berjaya menyelongkar kenakalan budak tersebut, adalah berpunca daripada diliwat oleh bapanya..(aku dah lupa tajuk filem tuh.. tapi sampai sekarang aku masih teringat cerita tuh)

ini semua adalah berdasarkan keputusan akal dan fikiran jangka masa panjang.. yang perlu berubah adalah suami u, so u jangan khuatir sekiranya, persaingan u itu adalah lelaki tetapi, khuatirlah kesihatan dan keselamatan u dan anak-anak...

ikut hati dan perasaan..
memang u sayangkan suami u, bayangkanlah u baru berumahtangga, setiap gadis apabila melangkah alam rumahtangga, akan mengharap perkahwinannya kekal dengan suaminya.. malangnya hasrat u terhadap dia telah dinodai oleh satu peristiwa yang begitu mengejutkan.. kalu i berada di tempat u, i cukup-cukup insaf dengan apa yang berlaku,, Astaghfirullahalazim.. u memang Tuhan sayangkan u.. kerana kepercayaan dan cinta u yang tulus itu.. Tuhan menampakkan dosa perilaku suami u.. supaya u dapat membuat keputusan sewajarnya... Yakinlah Tuhan amat sayangkan u.. kerana itu Tuhan menampakkan dosa suami u.. bukan senang u nak dapat segmen kantoi suami u tuh...

ikut Persaingan..
sekiranya i berada di tempat.. i begitu tercabar, sedangkan kita perempuan, laki kita pandang perempuan lain pun kita dah cubit.. inikan pula laki kita bercumbu dengan jantan.. lagi laa benda ni kita rasa macam tak logik dan sakit hati sangat.. i dengar cerita u pun, kalo i di tempat u pun nak tinggalkan suami u tuh dan bagi si bapok tuh menang
senang jer bagi si bapok jambu tuh menang senang-senang...ntahlah.. if i jadik u, i cuba nampakkan kesalahan lover suami u tuh.. cuba u pakat dengan beberapa orang kawan u tuh, fitnah lover suami u tuh... yang lover suami u tuh, ada orang lain... kasik suami u frust then u masuk jarum..., tapi make sure yer u pastikan u jalani pemeriksaan darah.. sebelum u planning nak kenakan lover suami u tuh..

good luck yer..

intanterpilih

Salam tuanthread,

Cukup ilmu agama, lengkap amal ibadah bukan jaminan utk menjadi manusia yg sempurna. Ia hanya JALAN atau USAHA utk menjadi hambaAllah yg soleh. Di dalam PERJALANAN atau USAHA itu, banyak ujian dan dugaannya. kerana syaitan dan nafsu itu sgt mendorong kepada kejahatan. Mereka mahu sesatkan manusia dan mahu manusia turut sama bersama mereka di dalam neraka. Itulah janji mereka di hadapan Allah sejak azali lagi.

Tetapi, Allah sudah berjanji, hanya dengan SOLAT yg khusyuk dapat mencegah manusia dari kemungkaran. Apa itu SOLAT yg khusyuk? Khusyuk itu bukan soal zahir tapi ia soal ROHANI. Ia adalah SOAL hati kita dengan Allah SWT. Dalam hal ini, ia sebenarnya RAHSIA Allah SWT kerana soal hati ini berkait dengan IKHLAS. Namun kdg2 Allah pertontonkan secara zahir ttg sejauhmana IKHLASnya hati kita ini terhadapNya dgn dibiarkannya kita melakukan dosa-dosa supaya kita sedar bahwa kita tertipu dengan amalan kita yg rupa2nya tidak IKHLAS kepdNya.

Bgmana caranya Allah tunjukkan?. Salahsatunya, dengan peristiwa yg berlaku kepada suami ct itu. Walaupun terdidik dengan agama, dari keturunan baik, trpelajar tetapi suami ct terjerumus juga dgn DOSA besar, mencintai seorg lelaki lebih dari LIMIT yg dibenarkan SYARIAT ALLAH SWT. Jika dibiarkan lebih lama lagi, aku takut suami ct termasuk dlm golongan yg dilaknat Allah di Laut MATI itu. Waliyazubiillah.

HAnya satu ct, jika benar ct mencintainya sepenuh hati, dan mahu dia selamat dunia dan akhirat, berkorbanlah untuknya. Pengorbann bgmana yg aku maksudkan?
Jangan tinggalkan dia. Kasihanilah dia, bersimpatilah dengan dia. Dia tidak ada sesiapa lagi yang mampu menolong dan tahu rahsia gelapnya di dunia ini selain dari ct. Jadi, tgjwab itu teramanah dibahu ct secara tdk langsung. Dia adalah suami ct, ct juga kata dia menyayangi ct. Maka gunakanlah kasihsayang dan cinta kalian berdua itu untuk mengubati penyakit suami ct itu. Dekati dia dengan kasihsayang dan simpati. Setulusnya mmbantu dan menyokong suami ct utk mengubah dirinya. Berikan dia masa utk brubah, kerana ini adalah PENYAKIT, ia perlu sembuh dari penyakit EMOSI SONGSANGNYA.

Tetapi, jika ct tidak mampu utk berkorban seperti itu, maka tidak ada jalan lain selain dari perpisahan itu lebih baik bagi kalian berdua. LEpaskan dia pergi, agar dia sendiri yg berusaha utk mencari jatidiri dan jatihati. Kadang2 kita harus memperakui bahwa kita tidak kuat utk menghadapi semua itu, jika jalannya hanya membawa kemusnahan kepada kedua-dua kalian maka eloklah kalian mengambil haluan yg berlainan.

sekian.

cTcTuCnaCni

assalamualaikum & selamat pagi.

pertama sekali saya nak ucapkan jutaan terima kasih atas nasihat & pandangan daripada rakan rakan sekalian. tak menyangka begitu ramai yang respon.

biarpun sakit rasanya dalam hati, saya tidak mudah nak melatah & membuat keputusan yang terburu buru. ada ruang & kekuatan, saya akan berbual dari hati ke hati dengan suami. suami sentiasa di sisi & setia mendengar serta bercakap berkenaan dengan perkara ini tanpa melibatkan sebarang emosi yang keterlaluan.

berhenti sekejap.

cTcTuCnaCni

sekali lagi saya tengok suami saya menangis. dia kata dia tak boleh tinggalkan lelaki tu. saya jadi semakin keliru melihat suami. saya melihat perubahan suami menjadi lebih kerap memohon petunjuk daripada Allah baik siang malam buta, di bilik berasingan dan ketika itulah air mata dia jatuh mengalir. tapi keputusannya tetap sama !

apa istimewanya lelaki itu berbanding saya ?

saya cukup tertekan & tercabar

intanterpilih

Originally posted by cTcTuCnaCni at 12-12-2007 09:12 AM
sekali lagi saya tengok suami saya menangis. dia kata dia tak boleh tinggalkan lelaki tu. saya jadi semakin keliru melihat suami. saya melihat perubahan suami menjadi lebih kerap memohon petunjuk ...

dia dalam proses ct..sabar byk2. aku faham bukan senang utk dia lupakan lelaki itu, bukankah ct kata tidak mahu melibatkan emosi dlm hal ini. cubalah sabar lagi. jgn biarkan rasa tertekan dan tercabar itu menyelubungi hati. tapi penuhkan hati dengan rasa cinta dan kasihsayang serta hati yg penuh simpati.

buat masa ini adalah mustahil jika ct cuba memaksa dia melupakan lelaki itu, tapi untuk fasa ini, ct katakan padanya, cuba kurangkan hubungan dan contact dgn lelaki itu, habiskan byk masa dgn ct. jangan paksa dia lupakan lelaki itu, itu yg sebaik-baiknya.

candiew

Originally posted by cTcTuCnaCni at 10-12-2007 06:42 PM
assalamualaikum.

lama benar saya tidak menjengok forum cari sejak kahwin penghujung tahun lepas.
banyak benar perubahan di sini.

saya teringin sekali meminta pandangan dan sesiapa sahaja y ...

komen saya ialah suami uols  ialah BISEKSUAL suka lelaki dan juga pompuan.........dalam kes mcm nie agak sukar utk diselesaikan

cherub

Originally posted by cTcTuCnaCni at 12-12-2007 09:12 AM
sekali lagi saya tengok suami saya menangis. dia kata dia tak boleh tinggalkan lelaki tu. saya jadi semakin keliru melihat suami. saya melihat perubahan suami menjadi lebih kerap memohon petunjuk ...

dear,

if the other person is female, then what he is doing now is part of the separation and healing process. but his love is a male. he will look for another male. why?

i'm going to say something hurtful, maybe in 10 years time you will forgive me.

men like sex, more than women do. that is why gays are promiscuous-multiple partners. gay yg setia mungkin ada 40 partners seumur hidup, dan yg tidak, hundreds. they are not like females or lesbians yg lumrahnya setia. also there is no cure for this.

what does this mean?
1) he had sex with the guy. he denies it now, but wake up. when men are attracted to men, sex is a handshake away. can you live with that?
2) if he leaves this guy-to whom he is very loyal to, he might have multiple 1 night stands that you will not know of. are you willing to risk it.
3) are you willing to accept the idea of an "open" marriage? bermadu jantan tanpa ikatan? coz this is what is happening in america. pompuan sayang sgt laki dia, tanak divorce, laki lak nak kedua2. that is what your hubby wants.

look deep into your soul. he is finding himself. you must find YOUR SELF. you are on separate tangents now. do not let him weight you down. do not worry about him. it is you that is important now. your life, your soul.

lastly, berat mcm mana pun, it's time to get your and his parents involved. either that or ask him for an uncontested divorce.

cherub

Originally posted by Lipton at 11-12-2007 05:25 PM
Handsome ape..! he he he

alaaahhh...

TheLegPuller

Originally posted by cherub at 12-12-2007 10:14 AM


dear,

if the other person is female, then what he is doing now is part of the separation and healing process. but his love is a male. he will look for another male. why?

i'm going to s ...

ayat ayat awak buat saya rasa seperti nak menangis
(baca thread saya kat sebelah)
kenapa seks menjd begitu penting?
kenapa bila attracted to lelaki maka dia perlu memuaskan nafsunya dgn lelaki?
mengapa tidak sekadar berlapang dada dgn wanita sbb dia sendiri tahu yg walau seingin mana pun dia, dia tetap terikat dgn hukum Allah
kenapa begitu agung sekali nafsu itu?
sedangkan kepuasan hanya beberapa saat, selebihnya adalah kehidupan
kenapa? kenapa?